I do not recall ever having this feeling of malaise,

of fatigue and in general no desire to move,as I have had the past two weeks at least.I did not exercise on Britannia.I kept on putting it off until I knew it was not going to happen.And it was the first for me, because if there is one thing I look forward to on any ship,it us the gym.At home I walk.On a cruise I work out. In Lisbon I picked up some medication.Copenhagen does not have any pharmacies by the port,Lisbon has them aplenty.Small, but perfectly formed,full of unexpected little treasures, I could have browsed for hours,but as I was coughing non-stop,I think everywhere they were only too pleased to see the back of me!I walked in at least three just to pick the pharmacists' brains,but I needn't have worried.The staff are well trained and knowledgeable.And in every pharmacy there is someone who speaks good English.In London I bought another bottle of the sickly stuff from my trusty local Boots and hoping for the best have persevered.But the energy just would not come back and for two weeks I have lost the will to walk!I have not watched as much TV in a year as in the past 14 days.I have seen it all.The Real Housewives being my favourite.Mostly I watch them with the sound off,because hearing the women I would ask myself - are they for real? I am aware it is all watchable television. Everything is blown out of all proportions,that is what people want to see. Still. With the sound turned off I can see the most beautiful scenery of America,Canada and Australia without having it spoilt by the women's bitchiness,petty jealousies and envy.

MR DOMINIC LAWSON

wrote in his Daily Mail column on 24 April that on a holiday in Turkey the most obese figures piling into the buffet were the Brits."And I don't mean just overweight.I mean gargantuan.I mean eye-poppingly colossal."On a cruise to Scandinavia and Russia last August I broke my reading glasses.When away from home I always carry a spare pair and used to do so on every ship but when I realized ships do carry them,and often quite lovely,I stopped.And then on the Celebrity Eclipse when I did need new glasses,was told - we do not keep them!Never mind, I thought,I would buy a pair in Copenhagen.I know the city well, have walked the width and the length of it many times so this time decided to stay near the port and find an optician.As I wrote in my blog entry on 17/08/2016:"I walked the surrounding streets for two long hours and I never saw one overweight person.Not one.On the Eclipse at every which turn there is a big backside wobbling about.I reckon we have more fat people here than Denmark has in total."And no,I did not find an optician,nor a pharmacy,The Danes must be the healthiest people in Europe.I did get a perfect,comfortable pair I am in fact wearing as I write,in Stockholm.

Reading novels on my Kindle made me think I was ga-ga.

Now [ like many others ] I'm back in love with my wine - stained books - writes the Daily Mail columnist Mr Tom Utley. Mr Utley and I are kindred spirits.Except that I only attempted to read my Kindle once and took it to the local charity shop the next day and have never been out of love with my pristine books. My dear friend's son cannot understand why she buys her weekly magazines when she can easily read them on line for free.So I sat him down and explained the exquisite joy of anticipation,of bringing them home, of settling down to a cup of tea and a cake or a biscuit,of first listing through the magazine front to back[ or back to front in my case!],while deciding what will be the first page to read,placing mentally in order the beauty pages,the fashion pages, the helpful hints pages, the recipes,the articles about well known or not so well known people,the travel pages... Several days later my friend hands the magazines to her daughter and she again passes them on to her friends.As do I. I buy monthly magazines only,they are very expensive and never would I throw one out,however old.I always stick it behind the railings at the front of the house with a little note - please take.And several hours later it is gone.Sometimes I attach to the magazine a face cream or cosmetics or a nail polish explaining why I do not want to use it.I disposed this way of many items after my husband passed away.I used very expensive creams to keep the skin on his legs moist and it would have been criminal to discard them. I cannot imagine reading newspapers online,either.In rain and in snow I would go out just to buy the Daily Mail, my favourite.Every Saturday it is The Mail and The Telegraph,every Sunday the Mail and the Times.At the week-end the supplements are the best part of any newspaper. My mother loved reading and all of us six brothers and sisters have inherited her love of the written word. Of course Kindle has its place,especially on holiday.And many people find it invaluable.But Mr Utley does not,nor do I.

Laughter really is the best medicine.

In today's Daily Mail there is a piece on The Baronet Benjamin Slade, who,at 70,is looking for a young bride able to give him children. "I am interviewing hard.I have had a few proposals,but sometimes the women are past their sell-by date and have been over the guns a few times...I have bought a back stretcher and hang upside down on it for five minutes every morning.It works wonder for the chin and neckline.I also have some "sky boots" with a hook in the top so I can hang upside down...I am also on the Genghis Khan diet,which is recommended for the young lotharios and involves eating sweet potato,sunflower seeds and horny goat weed." I am laughing so hard,my sides have almost split.I wish the horny old goat all the luck in the world.

Life on board Britannia

can be varied and wonderful. You can do a lot,you can do very little or you can do nothing at all. Port talks by experts. Every ship has them. Even the Silversea Cloud with the odd 296 passengers had one,a Canadian professor,no less. Having been to several talks I quickly realized that the bottom line of every port presentation was where we should shop.This,I have no doubt,benefits the cruise line enormously,with the shops paying them some remuneration.Now I give presentations a miss and look up what I want to know on the internet or read a book.Every ship has a library and travel sections are well stocked. There are also guest speakers who give lectures on various subjects.This time there were two lectures about murders - one in 1931 Liverpool when a housewife was knifed to death,another murder took place aboard a ship in 1947 when some unknown actress was disposed of through a cabin porthole.Who,I ask you,wants to listen on holiday for a solid hour to someone talking about a murder.Then we were enlightened about the invention of a submarine.Now this was more like it.Years ago when I was in Honolulu I took a tour of a submarine.The real mccoy,now grounded.It must have been very hard to live in a confined space like that and even a harder place to die. There has been a diamond seminar,a tanzanite seminar,a seminar about alexandrite,the jewel of the Tzar of Russia.And we were also asked to guess the weight of a pearl,the prize being a pearl pendant. I do not know if any-one had guessed the weight,I was not present. There was wine talk and tasting at £15 per head,single malt free tasting and various food demonstrations. Through the galley doors - £25 per hear- any passenger could see what the life is like down below. For ladies there was a free pamper party where Elemis products were used.All on the assumption,of course, that you would be so happy with the cosmetics tested, you would buy them,too.The ladies spa night-at £25 per person-offered various eye,face and body treatments to try.You could even have dermal fillers done by a doctor or try other instant wrinkle solutions. Many ships offer acupuncture. I had tried it once[not on Britannia]. Never again.Having needles stuck into your body is a medical treatment. Things can go wrong.You pay handsomely for the privilege and have no recourse when they do go wrong. Line dancing classes I have given a miss,did not want to tempt the devil. There were various exercise classes for the uninitiated and for the die hards.But the overwhelming majority of passengers is the-not today,thank you,kind. For the movie lovers there was Inferno,Trolls,The Assassin,Golden years,Moana,to name a few, the last film today is Jackie.The children have clubs for various ages and any parent can entrust their offspring to the care of Britannia with confidence. This really is the ship where the whole family cam have a wonderful time.

This has been the day of rest

and not out of choice.Am simply too tired to move about,too tired to even shower or dress up for dinner. And it is a formal night and I love those.They make a cruise into a wonderful cruise.We put on our finery and somehow the world seems a much nicer place.For every seven days at sea there are two formal evenings.We are sailing for 12 nights on Britannia,we have 3 formal evenings.Many people cruising for the first time do not realize what formal really means.It is a kind of a "upwomanship",every woman trying to outdress the other ladies at the table.No woman does it better than a Cunarder woman.Every single time I travel on a Cunard ship I look with astonishment at the numerous suitcases people bring and often wonder - are we going on the same cruise? There have been formal evenings on every single ship I have been on except the Silversea Cloud and possibly an OCEANIA ship,the name of which escapes me, we sailed around the British Isles one September several years ago.The ship was filled predominantly with American travelers and as they all had to fly,the formal evenings were disposed of.But I do remember being disappointed and many evenings felt rather overdressed. I may be unwell,but my appetite has diminished only slightly,so feeling quite ravenous, went up for a bite,some salad and ham,a piece of cake,couldn't make out what it was, may have been apples, and mixed fresh fruit salad.For the self-service restaurant one does not have to dress up.

Today may have been the day the chest infection

or is it bronchitis,has reached its climax.The throat is sore and I have almost lost my voice,and when I cough everything inside me from the belly-button all the way up to my neck hurts.And I am tired.I took a lift to the self-service restaurant for breakfast and today also for lunch,as I can only take medication after having eaten. The morning was glorious,the sun bright and warm.In the short ten minutes I went up the 5 floors,ladled some porridge into a bowl and made cranberry tea,the thickest of the thick fogs descended on the ship,obliterating the sun completely.The roaring horn followed to warn other ships, none would have a chance in a collision with this ginormous floating vessel.I love the sound of the horn.I love it when a ship announces its readiness to depart from a port by 3 mighty roars,I love it when it announces a midday has arrived.Not all the ships do it.Apparently it annoys some travellers,fools that they are.Even today the captain apologised for having to do so.I say - some more,please. And then,just as quickly as the fog had descended,it had lifted and there was the sun,all bright and happy again,as if nothing at all had happened.Not for long though.By the time I got back to my cabin it was foggy,only this time the sun-rays were more powerful than the grey floating mass that had enveloped us and this has been the pattern all day.And it is considerably colder today

I like Lisbon very much.

And what is there not to like abut this city that has been over the centuries transformed from a simple and plain cinderella into an enchanting princess. Now,you do not see any glittery malls here,no sky scrapers to take your breath away.Lisbon is traditional and somewhat old-fashioned but in a modern,forward looking kind of way.At every which turn there is a little coffee shop.I have not yet had a bad cup of coffee here or fresh orange juice that was not aromatic and did not taste as orange juice should.Sweets and desserts,many composed of eggs or honey or marzipan overfill the displays and you wish you could try them all.The Portuguese can cook bacalhau [cod] in 365 different ways.And the city is certainly not short of pharmacies.I picked up pastilha molle and some adjuvante mutolicito to keep me alive,the staff were knowledgeable,service excellent.The Portuguese people,even when not educated,are cultured and civilized. We docked at 9, sailed away at 5.30.Was one of the first in the dining room and had an excellent table by the window and an excellent dinner - parmesan risotto with rocket pesto and toasted pine nuts,celeriac,parsnip and pear soup with caraway seed croutons,pork schnitzel with sage butter,spatzle,savoury cider apples, pancetta creamed cabbage,followed by cranachan with raspberries and a shortbread petticoat tail and I must not forget the cranberry tea.The most excellent end to an excellent day. Spatzle is a soft egg noodle of German/Austrian origin. Cranachan is a traditional Scottish dessert made from oats,cream,raspberries and whisky,all mixed together.No 2 cranachans are ever alike.

It looks I am on the way to a full blown chest infection,

this would explain why I have been unable to settle to sleep the past few days and why I have no desire to go to the gym.I cough and have chest pains.Just my luck it had to come now,but on the other hand when I get home on Friday the worst will be over and if not,any ailments are easier dealt with in London.Today is a sea day,tomorrow morning we dock in Lisbon,the city I like very much,then late afternoon we set sail for Southampton,England.

BRITANNIA,CABIN E 327

is on 10th floor,towards the front of the ship.I booked the cruise four days before sailing, this category was the last cabin available,I had no say where it would be located,but I could not have made a better choice.If I come on Britannia again, I would ask for any cabin on floor 10, 9 or 11. The cabin is somewhat sparse,it has two identical large mirrors.I would dispose of one and install some storage units instead,if I were doing a refurbishment.Two mirrors for myself are two mirrors too many.At home I have one smallish longish mirror,obstructed by a table with a vase filled with flowers.I look at myself very rarely,it is more for visitors.There is a comfortable armchair in the cabin,I am sitting on it as I write, next to it a small table my notebook is on,a longish unit by the bed with a small mirror [quite unnecessary], a fridge and a chair underneath the unit.There is a bed-side table on the other side of a massive bed.I am sure this bed is just as comfortable as all the other beds I have slept on when cruising, but somehow this time I cannot settle when going to sleep.The bed is torturing me and there is no reason for it whatsoever.There is a walk-in wardrobe [I prefer this to a traditional wardrobe] with a large shelf above and a corner storage unit- this also houses a safe.The bathroom,all white,is clean,WC flushes to perfection, the shower unit[can't think of the right word for it] can be hand held.The toiletries are White Company,the brand I like. There is another thing I like - that neither the bed linen nor the towels smell funny. On some ships they do, they acquire this stale aroma,as if too many were washed in too little water.Everything in my cabin smells pleasant.The balcony is small,but it is big enough for two people to sit on the 2 chairs,there is also a small table.What more does one need? There is a large TV affixed to the wall, it is at least twice as large as the set I have at home.The remote control is easy to negotiate, quite idiot proof,in fact,but it has to be.Often I scroll through the programms and find nothing of interest,the same things are repeated endlessly.Some films are free,some cost £2.99,as did the Kingsman. Strange Magic I did not pay for.I would gladly buy Maleficent, have seen most of it,but never all of it,and The Blind side,the film I love.But they are not on offer. Dylan keeps the stateroom clean.I call him Bob.He knows to come every other day only.When he sees me he asks - is everything in the room excellent? Yes,Bob,everything is eggcellent,stressing the egg. He always laughs heartily.

GRAN CANARIA

Years and years ago during a particularly bleak winter I asked my husband if we could go for a week to Canary Islands.Workaholic that he was,he said no, maybe at Easter if things "quieten down".But I had set my heart on seven glorious days in the sun,so I said if he was not coming with me,I would go alone.He looked at me doubtfully - you alone?,a little girl from the sticks,[as he used to call me jokingly if he disagreed with me referring to my being only 159 cm tall to his 182 I think,or a little taller,and I was from a small village at the end of a dirt track,the last settlement between two mountains ], you would never go anywhere without me. Wouldn't I,just watch me.There was a beautiful hotel called Tamarindos, at the time one of the few five the star hotels on Canary Islands,if not the only one, and the British Airways offered a good deal, so I booked it.Five star?! I suppose a four star would not be good enough for her majesty,laughed my husband [this was his second nickname for me, there were two more - a pocket Venus - I was born in May,Venus being my guiding planet, or a battleship, and there was a time and place for each of them!] when I showed him the fully booked flight and a hotel.Well, you always say nothing is too good for me, so let's not just do the talk,let's do the walk,I replied.And walk I did. To Gran Canaria.I do not remember about the Tamarindos much,I remember taking at least 3 tours around the island and spending the rest of the time on Maspalomas beach,sunbathing in the nude on the very edge of this sandy beach, where naturists were allowed.I have not been to the Maspalomas since,even though have cruised to Gran Canaria several times in the past six year.The ships always dock in the capital Las Palmas.Las Palmas is not a place to love.There is not a decent coffee shop or a cake to die for,the croissants are filled with cream and who knows what,totally not to my taste.I walked for good hour this morning,eyeing along the way a nice place to sit down.There was nothing.In the end I entered the first place that offered coffee.There was sliced pizza on display and I asked a pleasant young girl to warm me a slice,and black coffee with milk separately,please.The pizza brought to me did not look like pizza I thought I was getting,the base was thick and quite sloppy,not even heated through,the coffee looked the part, but once tasted I could not force myself to stomach it.I decided to cut my losses,paid, even left a tip-the girls were lovely, just the food was not.And the next time I come to Gran Canaria on a ship I would not be getting off it.

TENERIFE

is the highest of all the Atlantic islands,it is also the largest of all the Canary Islands.Never too hot summers,never too cold winters make it an ideal holiday destination all year round.Years ago I had spent a week on the island and what I remember the most was the visit to the El Teide mountain,the highest mountain in Spain [Canary Islands are Spanish,they were colonized in the 15th Century].El Teide is a dormant volcano.I also remember walking in the Orotava Valley.But it was late autumn or early spring and the Valley not at its best and this is one place I would love to see gain,but somehow have never got round to it when coming to Tenerife on a cruise,as I would love to spend a day there,but the tours offered are too short.Also I would like to go there between June-September and I never cruise to the Canaries in the summer. One day. At midday I took a walk to the centre,it takes good 20 minutes,but who is counting when the sun shines and the world seems such a wonderful place.I have walked the streets well travelled,visited the shops seen before [Zara,Bimba & Lola] and stopped in the one and only Desigual,my nephew's wife's favourite.There is now a massive Desigual branch in Regent Street,London,so when I walked into this one, it was just to look around,but there was the most delightful short jacket I could not resist and I also picked up a T-shirts for my 2 nephews.I stopped for the most delicious pan pizza with the simplest vegetable topping,freshly pressed orange juice and latte,then took a slow walk back.Feeling in seventh heaven I fell asleep! It was one of those short and sweet naps that come out of the blue and end just as fast and when you wake up for a brief moment you have no idea where you are.Quick shower and a walk up to the 16th floor to return a library book-Tippi,By Tippi Hedren. The first 24 pages I liked very much,the rest not at all. I think Ms Hedren gave herself far too much credit for being a better actress than she really was,she was a two trick pony in my opinion - Marnie and The Birds-and only because Alfred Hitchcock coaxed some acting out of her.That she has to sully the dead man now when he is not here to defend himself,is quite unseemly. The Crow' Nest is a massive lounge at the front of the ship,next to the Library,at sea the views from there are magnificent. I had a glass of Chilean merlot while amusing myself with my Toshiba until 8,then walked the 10 floors down to the restaurant,where I had the most excellent dinner - Middle Eastern mezze, followed by roast duck with trimmings and a side salad and then the best baked apple ever. What more could a girl want? Gran Canaria,tomorrow's port of call is just a stone throw away,so today we remain docked in Tenerife until 9.30.

If it is a Saturday,it must be TENERIFE.

Had a restless night.The bed became my torturer.Whichever way I turned it was the wrong way.I could not settle to sleep.And there was absolutely no reason for it,on the contrary,the day was wonderful, the fortune-teller predicted me a long and happy life and who wouldn't want to hear that.Still I could not sleep.But the Gods are smiling at me on this utterly glorious April morning.The sun is in full force already and it is not even 9, it is shining on my balcony and this is where it will remain for the large part of the day.How utterly super duper is that.

Having thanked the fortune-teller

I took a slow walk back to the ship,picking up today's Daily Mail on the way.In spite of every possible information available on the internet,there is something quite special about a newspaper.I love reading magazines, too, and bring several with me on every trip.I stopped in the Oriental dining room for lunch - some beef curry and a side salad,nice.Then I sat down to my Toshiba and at 3 was ready to sunbathe on the balcony.The sun was glorious,the breeze at times quite strong, then the clouds took over the sky.Quick shower and at 6 was standing in a long queue in front of the dining room..Had the nicest of the nicest tables, 106, by the window,quite special,even though we were still stationary and I spent 45 minutes looking at people returning to the ship.Dinner was very good indeed-Lancashire black pudding,award winning no less,with a fried egg, bacon crumb,cheddar cheese, onion and sage soup,pan fried red mullet fillet,potato gnocchi,Mediterranean vegetables,shellfish ragout,baked New York cheese cake with raspberry coulis.On the way back to my stateroom I stopped in the Headliners theatre to see the last half an hour of the show called Gravity, by the Britannia troupe,having missed 15 minutes.It was a lovely end to a lovely and quite an educational day.

LA PALMA, FRIDAY, 7 APRIL 2017

This is a lovely little island,the world's steepest.It has nothing much to entice the traveler with,except one of the largest craters in the world - Caldera de Taburiente.Yet it has become my absolute favourite island in this part of the world.Santa Cruz de la Palma,the capital,main port and the second largest town,population abut 20,000,is considered the most elegant Canarian capital.And quite rightly so.Compact,clean, with little shops and cafes,wrought-iron gates leading into courtyards of well preserved houses built by merchants who over the centuries made the town prosperous,No graffiti,buskers at every corner left to do their entertaining,no beggars anywhere.No ostentatious wealth on show yet town breathes prosperity.This is where happy families raise happy children.I came here for the first time about 3 years ago when The Queen Victoria due to atrocious weather could not dock on Lanzarote and was diverted instead to La Palna.Over the loud speaker we were warned not to be disappointed with what was waiting for us on this little island no-one ever visits and with nothing to offer a discerning traveler.We were urged to book a tour.I am rather an independent spirit and like to make up my own mind about everything and every-one and did not take the bait,determined to risk it.The Santa Cruz de la Palma was a revelation.It was very obvious that none of the staff on the Queen Victoria had ever visited this treasure of an island.I had the loveliest time walking along the cobbled streets,popping in and out of shops, sitting down for a cup of coffee,then walking some more.On my next visit I was with my friend and she loved La Palma as much as I did.We took a tour to the crater then.Today we docked at 9 and after breakfast I did not dilly dally but went straight to town.I bought my absolute favourite SI body lotion [greatly reduced],my absolute favourite HERMES Un Jardin Sur Le Toit perfum [greatly reduced]popped into my favourite boutiques, then went to have a cup of coffee.There something extraordinary happened.With no free tables outside or inside I was about to leave when I noticed a couple getting ready to go,I waited for them to do so,then placed my bag on a chair and went to the counter as there was not a waiter service.Once seated I noticed an old lady walk in, she looked around for an empty seat,our eyes met,I smiled and pointed to the empty chair opposite,she smiled back,put her bag on the chair and went to place her order.Seated she said something in Spanish.So sorry I do not speak Spanish.Oh,but I speak English. And she did,quite well. You are very kind,she said.And very sensual. What? Did I hear her well? Just my luck to meet a nutcase on a lovely day like this.And she looked so nice,so normal.She must have read my mind. I read hands.may I, and took my hand into hers. She looked at the palm. You have been unhappy many years,but it is finished now,everything bad is finished.You will have long and happy life.Yes.Long and happy.And you are very sensual.It is here in your freckles and pointed to my wrists.Freckles never lie.You have a lot of love and you need a lot of love.I can see.And freckles never lie.

Dinner yesterday was excellent,

gravlax of the freshest of the fresh salmon,then chickpeas and chorizo soup,a rabbit pie with prunes, semolina chips and snap peas and absolutely the best dessert to date - summer fruit pudding.The rabbit was the first rabbit I remember having on a ship, I was expecting a proper steaming-hot pie with a hat on! What came was all dissected,but very good nonetheless.When the waiter asked if I had enjoyed the meal [as they always do] I said- well, the pie was not what I thought it was going to be, but I suppose a rabbit is a rabbit is a rabbit. He thought it was hilarious and burst out laughing so aloud,other patrons turned to see what was happening.At 10 I was back in my stateroom,having had the most glorious,wonderful day.

After breakfast yesterday I was ready for the day.

And what a day it had turned out to be.FA-BU-LOUS.Why would any-one with a good pair of legs want to take a bus to town after spending three solid days aboard a ship,I cannot understand.It is a sacrilege.Having been on Madeira numerous times and having seen all there is to see in the capital,around the capital and all over the island,having walked through the hills following old irrigation channels[levadas],having been on a boat trip for whale and dolphin-watching[and saw nothing,not even a fish],the time has come to simply enjoy Funchal and that in my vocabulary means walking,shopping and then sitting down to a cup of coffee and a Portuguese tart,and not necessarily in that order.So taking the road so well travelled a shop window full of shoes and bags enticed and in I walked[Eureka shoes,69 Rua do Aljube].I love shoes and I love bags.And this little boutique had both in abundance.Adorable utterly divine and sexy ankle boots,combination of dark brown leather,suede,delicate buckles and laces on a perfect slightly higher than kitten heels.How could I resist ?And then I saw flat off white leather and white mesh and zipper at the back ankle creations.Love at first sight.Several doors along there used to be the most delightful boutique owned by a very talented lady who designed everything sold in the shop.Her adorable rings I will treasure for ever.I have never seen anything like it anywhere else. She did not stock other people's works. Mistake.The shelves and rails always looked half empty.She went bust.The shop was boarded and the windows covered with newspapers and every time I came to Funchal I went to see if anything had changed.Nothing did.Until yesterday.The most beautiful frontage, window full of nondescript jewellery, with a large "J L" in the middle.I like Jennifer Lopez very much.But why on earth did she have to put her name to those things I will never understand.Bland and ugly.Ugly and bland.So I walked to my favourite shop on the island.[3 Largo do Phelps]If you want unusual and different this is where you go.There was nothing I "to fall in love with" clothes-wise,but there was a bag,my goodness,a bag of all bags.The lady owner has in stock one of everything,the stock changes daily.You hesitate,blink an eye and it is gone.Well,I did not hesitate.There were some lovely necklaces and I chose two.And a cloth multicoloured shopper.Then just a stone throw away there is a place where I get the best latte in Funchal,Docura Madeirense.Their Portuguese tarts are not the best I have ever had, neither are the sandwiches,but the service is lovely,the position second to none.I love it.Having walked some more,I was suddenly hungry and sat down in an absolutely splendid little shop selling all kinds of bread,rolls, simple cakes and freshly pressed orange juice.This is,in fact,the only place I know that does sell fresh juice.Slow walk back to he ship,just one last stop to pick up the most comfortable loafers at 18 euro a pair,I come here every time I am in town.Burgundy for myself,black for my sister.The sun was high in the sky,gently breeze playing with my hair as I walked back to the ship.The sun was on the balcony,I dropped everything and undressed,wanting to have at least half an hour sunbathing,it seemed the sun was going to disappear above the ship soon.But the sun did not seem to be moving. And then it hit me - the way the ship was positioned,the sun was not going to descend across it, but alongside.Could the day be any more wonderful? Blissful 2 hours in the nude.Dinner was excellent,the neighbours on one side the usual- a morose unpleasant pair drinking heavily.On the other side that rare breed-two charming cultured people,she once very beautiful,kind,friendly,he once very handsome,now as I had learnt, 5 years dying a slow death thanks to some degenerative illness that is slowly consuming his whole body.They are making the most of the little precious time left.

MADEIRA, Thursday, 6 April 2017

The ease with which this mountain of a ship was parked is astonishing.Not a bump,not a scratch.It cannot dock in shallowish waters, of curse, I cannot imagine the size of the horde of wild horses that would be needed to pull it out of trouble.But with a master sailor like the captain at the helm this would never be needed.Unless you are a vain Italian whose stupidity and any disregard for the safety of his passengers would bring the ship to its death and 30 passengers with it. I know Madeira well.I have been here several times and it used to be my favourite island in this part of the wold until several years ago purely out of a necessity the ship I was on docked on a delight of an island La Palma, where we will be spending tomorrow, in fact. The centre of the capital of Madeira,Funchal,is a walking distance from the port,some 20 minutes away,even though shuttle buses are provided,£4 one way,children £2,[ some ships offer this service free]. The capital is neat,colourful,with numerous cafes and restaurants,small shops to get lost in and flowers everywhere.Perfect place to spend a perfect day. As I write I am sitting in the Lido self-service restaurant on the 16th floor of Britannia.Porridge,fresh red melon and some pineapple.orange juice and I am ready for the day.

Mr Tom Utley,The Daily Mail columnist has written,

that 99% of Belgians have more than average number of legs.He goes on to explain that the overwhelming majority of Belgians have two legs,and none has three,but as unfortunate few have lost one or both,this averages the number down somewhat.I admire Mr Utley's diligence immensely,in fact at times when I read his column I ask myself - has this man read my mind before writing? Three legs,Mr Utley? Well, you have done it again.For I do possess them myself.It cannot be, I hear you say. Yes,it can.It is not an everyday occurrence, I admit.It only happens sometimes. But happen it does.Many of you may have heard about having "two left feet" when dancing. Well, I have three.

TROLLS, BIG HERO 6 , THE LEGO MOVIE

This is what my life on Britannia has come down to.This is how I spent most of yesterday. Watching films for children.And it could have been so different.I had a plan.Breakfast at 8.And if it was not for the lovely comfortable bed this is exactly what would have happened.Large and warm and so hard to get out of in the morning when the window keeps you transfixed to the never ending ocean, the waves frolicking in the distance,rocking this great big elephant of a ship so gently,you hardly feel you are moving. At 11.10 I scraped the last bit of porridge from the bottom of 2 pots,followed by red melon and a little walk around the shops.At 1 I was hungry.Hungry on a ship with 24 hour supply of food? Hungry.The table in the Oriental restaurant readily available just for me. I came,I smiled at the seated neighbours and nodded. Not an acknowledgement of any kind.Just blank stares. The lunch was good, Indian vegetable dish,simple side salad with blue cheese dressing.Lukewarm latte not so good.Made it comfortably to the 2pm showing of TROLLS with the excellent Christine Baranski. The cinema half empty,the other half filled with children. Film? Not in the same league as Strange Magic. With good coffee served in the Cafe the previous afternoon,I decided to enjoy the experience again.Then back to my cabin.The balcony was basking in the sun.Must have been good 22 degrees.The clothes came off and I revelled in the glory of the rays.This is what cruising is all about,Lazy mornings in bed watching the never changing yet constantly different horizon,enjoying good food served in a pleasing restaurant,and sunbathing in the nude on the balcony.Heaven.Then quick shower and dinner.Thinking - tonight I am going to be amongst the first people in the dining room,at 6.40, no waiting. Alas, it was not to be and was handed the little black "buzzer".So I sat down and waited.And waited some more. Just over an hour later I was summoned.The worst table imaginable,it was either staring at a wall or staring at some people and a wall.I chose the second option.But as I was being shown where to sit, I caught the eye of a lady at the next table.I nodded and smiled. And she smiled back. She smiled back.There were 2 other diners with her, a husband and a daughter,about 13.. They were a nice family.Then the father left feeling sea sick.The mother asked the girl - how much is 5 off 13. 7, replied she after giving it some thought. But they were a nice family. Dinner was very good indeed.Prawn coctail with home made sauce,carrot and coriander soup [The Facebook informed me it was an International carrot day,I laughed so hard,my sides almost split] equally good, as was the main course - veal Oscar.Now, it was not the largest nor the most tender piece of veal I have ever had, but it was good.As were the trimmings and the side salad.Happy and content I walked up to my cabin,yes walked the five flights,even in heels,high heels,but not the boots I wore the previous evening.There was LA LA LAND being shown at 10.45, I'VE GOT THE MUSIC IN ME - a musical extravaganza by Britannia's own troupe at 10.30 in the Headliners Theatre and a MOVIES & MUSIC NIGHT in The Live Lounge,but once in my cabin, I was more than content to stay in,read and watch TV.And that is how I came to see BIG HERO 6 and THE LEGO LAND in one night. Well, not quite. THE LEGO LAND is on hold,fell asleep half way through.

Tonight was the first formal evening on the ship.

Evening gowns or some such glad rags for the ladies,a black tie for the gentlemen.Dressing up really makes an evening into something special and even casual smart dressing other evenings on the ships turns out to be for most women anything but.The food is also just that little bit more celebratory, tonight we had beef Wellington, halibut, calves liver[my choice for a main course].On formal nights I would occasionally order red white,as I did tonight.I do not know what it was,but I did not like it at all, in fact it was the kind of wine to turn me off wine for good.The sommelier made the choice and I have not yet had the bill,sometimes there is no time to bring it round to the table even though the payment had been made. The payment is in fact made with the door key,the key acts as an ID card used throughout the ship and it must be presented when leaving the ship and coming back on board again.It does not have one's photo, but the ship has photos on file and at the door every card is checked against them.At dinner I had an excellent table served by a very young waiter eager to please,he said I had lovely hair and he liked my necklace.Oh,you are flattering me too much,I said smiling.I want you to have a lovely evening, I am going to be the best waiter you have ever had. And he was true to his word.At the end of the meal he asked - would you like some coffee? No,thank you. Some more water? No,thank you. Some more wine? No,thank you. No to everything he said with a broad grin. Yes,I answered. He got the joke and we both bust out laughing. I tried to walk up from the 5th floor to my 10th and had I had any other shoes on, it would have been a doddle,but not in the high heeled ankle boots I was wearing.The lifts are plentiful and tonight was the first time I have used one on the ship,I prefer walking everywhere [except when arriving or leaving with a suitcase].As I am writing this, am watching "Kingsman The Secret Service." Have seen it before,must have been on another ship,maybe even in July last on Britannia.[It hasn't been on TV and I wouldn't go to the cinema to see a film like this].And you could blow me with a feather.It has the same location as Prime Suspect with Helen Mirren - a run down block of flats,very distinctive, a kind of graduated structure. I watched it mostly with the sound off while enjoying my little Toshiba.A perfect end to a perfect day.

Helen Mirren

played the detective Jane Tennison in the TV series Prime Suspect.The very first episode was aired 7 April 1991.

The coffee was lovely,the trifle not so much

at the Market Cafe,Britannia.Erik Lanlard's creations are not quite to my taste.Too creamy,too sweet and the base of the trifle made with amaretti biscuits,absolutely not my favourite.And no jam! Sacrilege.The Cafe is situated in the atrium of the ship,the display most enticing.One cannot pass by without wishing to try the red velvet cake, the blueberry cheesecake or the blacker than black forest gateaux.When I was aboard with my family for a week last July 16-23,we were tempted to try the concoctions,,but never quite got round to it, what with my lovely god-children spending days by the pool and in the pool and their parents along with the grand-parents and myself joining in the fun.So today was my first time to indulge. And the last.I am a plain croissant girl at heart,the kind of a croissant I get from Marks & Spencer in Notting Hill or from Paul's patisserie. Or the tiny ones not much to look at but packed with flavour I found on one of the Canary Islands,then completely forgot where,but I firmly intend to find the little treasure trove of a cafe again. But of course none of the croissants would beat the little crackers I was served at the hotel Bauer,Venice. But I digress.The seating area in the atrium of Britannia is second to none.Now, I am not taking back anything I have already said about Britannia.The ship lacks the wow factor in everything but the size.It is too functional,stark in parts, plain and uninspiring and altogether the designers had missed the trick.It could have been quite spectacular.But the seating area in the atrium cannot be faulted.Large and small tables,chairs I wouldn't say no to having in my own sitting room.But the sofas are the best.You plonk yourself on one and just do not want to get up. I said last year that with the ship chock a block you would never have thought so when walking up and down the mammoth construction.The same today. There are many empty seats everywhere.Where is everybody? This is a sea day,every passenger is on board.Judging by my past experiences, every single seat should be occupied as is always the case on every other vessel I have sailed on.I am getting to like this elephant of a ship,warts and all.

Britannia, cabin E 327, floor 10,glass balcony,clear unobstructed view

and freedom dining.That is me,sailing to Canary Islands since yesterday 02/04/2017,for 12 nights.Phoned P & O last Wednesday,they are always so efficient and helpful,truly cannot be faulted.There was one absolutely very last cabin with my very exacting requirements,the dining to be arranged once on board.There was,as there always is, a welcoming note in my cabin with my name - table for 9,late sitting.Well,it is not going to happen in a hurry that I would be sharing a dinner table on a ship with strangers,and to my great pleasure my seating arrangements were changed promptly.So there I was at 20.00  at my lovely little table next to a window but one,safely away from any questioning nosey parkers.The service was slow,slow,slow.The sommelier came several times, but the servers,well,they were there,I could see them,busy bees, but they were not looking in my direction.In the end I caught the eye of one of them, and my look must have said it all, 5 minutes later he came round to take the order,this was after sitting there for good 25.Was the wait worth it? Surprisingly yes.Wild mushroom risotto, pleasant,potato and cheese soup followed.But why does every chef want to mix any soup to death? I love them hearty,chunky,with some visible remains of ingredients.But it was nice.Roast pork,dry,carrots and beans edible,roast potatoes tasted more like boiled,quite watery and lifeless.But having had neither breakfast,nor lunch,except a chicken and corn sandwich on a train, I was starving and without a murmur consumed it all.And frankly have been served much worse.Bread and butter pudding with some custard was a lovely way to finish the meal.The waiter was kind enough to find me 2 sachets of cranberry tea and off to my cabin I went.I caught the last half an hour of a detective story with Helen Mirren.This was before she went to Hollywood and had her face done.Now she looks 20 years younger than she did 15 years ago - perfect teeth [crooked and dark as a detective],wrinkles and various face moles permanently erased.Well done, Helen.Only now do not expect me to believe it is you in any of the L'Oreal advertisements.Not that I have believed in them in the first place.I am an advertiser's nightmare.Would never make a good Spaniard. They are supposed to be the most susceptible nation to advertising.I would use a word gullible.