Good morning,Ludka, 27/10/2016

Greeted me my lovely Toshiba. Oh,my little friend, do not say good morning today,if it was good morning,I would still be in bed! Hooting tooting fight in the garden woke me up at 5, something was screeching as if in the last death throes,I ran out but could see nothing. And when the light broke went into the garden again and on my large window leading into the garden there was an imprint of a bird.Poor thing was flying for its life towards the light and the door stopped it.But I could see no body and no feathers either.

Would you agree to communicate with me by e-mail? 25/10/2016

The Lawyer texted me this morning, enclosing his e-mail address. WITHOUT PREJUDICE,I replied jokingly. I barely pressed the send button when the phone rang. Ludka,have you had legal training? No. But the WITHOUT PREJUDICE. I never get it from a layman. I have had a good teacher. Your husband? Yes. He must have been a remarkable man.Would I ever measure up to him? Yes. I have not expected this answer.It is the nicest thing you could have said to me. Oh,Tom,you have not yet lost anyone dear to you and do not know what tricks the memories can play.There is not a man more perfect than a dead man.The bad becomes blurred,the wonderful is magnified and it consumes you.And the pain and grief engulfs you until you almost cannot breathe,it stifles you and soon you know no other life.You are suffocating in the loneliness, you grieve alone,you cry alone,you laugh alone.And somehow in that unbearable emptiness you must find strength to go on. Why does life have to deal this card? There is no justice in it.Why don't we forget the good and remember the bad, maybe then the loss would not be all consuming,then we could so much easier find a new love,build a new life. Half an hour later there was an e-mail - shall we start at the beginning? The childhood?

The Lawyer phoned this morning. 25/10/2016

I was still in bed.The call woke me up.Good morning,Ludka,said a pleasant,cheery voice.It is Tom. I knew it could only be you.My little Toshiba says the same thing to me every morning,but she does not ring.He burst out laughing.The ice was broken. Many gentle,undemanding questions followed yet no questions were asked.He must be a very good lawyer,excellent with children who are hurting.A kind man, a very nice man. Have you spoken to some interesting men?I told him about The Diplomat and The Builder. So The Diplomat's and my photos are the only ones you like out of the 100 you have received,he asked with genuine incredulity. Yes. And had your relationship with the Diplomat progressed we would not be now talking. No. The man is a fool.But many other men are not. I would like you to give me the opportunity to get to know you better before someone else jumps in. You are so far,Tom,how can we get to know each other. But it will not always be like this.In a few years I will sell the business and then I will be free to see the world. I am going to see the world,I have booked a 120 day cruise for January 2018.I am going to be all alone.Even if I were with you,I would still be all alone on that ship. I have been all alone so long.You have commitments,I know all about commitments.I have so many still,but they will be gone by next summer and then I will be completely free,no constraints, I was thinking all this,but said nothing. Just tell me where and when and I will be there,I will clear my diary for you for two days,three,a week. May I think about it? Of course,please think as long as you need to,just say yes. So I am thinking.

Surprise,surprise. 25/10/2016

Almost at midnight as I settled to my Toshiba last night,a message popped up on the screen - The Lawyer had just written-can't get you out of my mind.The deal is off.Give us a chance,please. May I have your phone number,please,please.And other such niceties,you know, the sales talk every woman loves to hear.And this woman so needs to hear! I messaged him the number with a firm - do not even think about phoning me now, it is me, my lovely Toshiba and a cup of hot coco time.He replied in oh so utterly enchanting way,[I really never expected a legal mind to succumb to this lightness and frivolity ]- I love your photo.Are you really so lovely? No,I said, a chance in a million.It was taken 16 September last,while having coffee with a dear friend, the light shows no wrinkles, the fringe covers a multitude of sins,but I had to have a photo for the dating agency and truth be told, I do quite like myself there, so this was as good as any other. I want to hear your voice, hear you laugh. Your profile says you laugh a lot,joke a lot in your family,tease each other with love and laughter. I have never read anything like this in a profile. Are you real?

How is my dating going? 24/10/2016

It is neither coming,nor is it going.My love life is in the doldrums and at this rate it is going to stay there in the foreseeable future.Why go to all the trouble and expense of contacting a dating agency,answering a page after page of questions and paying for the privilege,then enclosing a photograph that should never have seen the light of day.Unless it makes you look ten years younger and ten kilos lighter, do not let a living soul lay eyes on it.That a photo like that can be taken, I can confirm,true, you have to take 700 of them as my sister did when we went on a twelve night cruise together,As fast as she took them I erased them,finally one was to my satisfaction.Are you sure this one I can publish.Yes, I was almost sure,but the cruise was coming to an end and every-one was asking her if she was on the ship by herself,so I said publish and be damned.And she did,like a flash of lightning,and clever as she is, she installed 30 several years old photographs of me,too.Everyone was none the wiser. To this day we roll about with laughter when we talk about it. Some men are naked to the waist! To the waist! Oh,no,there was a lawyer yesterday who looks even better than the diplomat,but lives too far,so I sent him a nice message thanking him for his interest and should he allocate closer,to please contact me.He wrote back if ever I reconsidered he would be very happy to hear from me.And judging by his long list of dislikes and a short list of likes,I have no doubt that in five years he will still be on the agency's books! And at the rate I am going, me too!

Long time ago I went to Israel and spent several months on a kibbutz. 23/10/2016

I met a boy there and fell in love.My first love.My first lover.The y

oung Israeli men live every day as if it was their last.And they love that way,too.We wanted a life together.His father,a prominent doctor,approved,his mother,a well known painter, did not.I made a mistake of saying that Israel had wasted the victory in the 1967 six day war.The victory over Egypt and the allies was swift,Israel made many territorial gains in the region.Their young men fought like tigers.They fought as they live and love-to win.The country emerged gloriously strong.And from the position of strength they could have shown magnanimity but they chose to take another path. My love's mother never forgave me.She persuaded her son our relationship was doomed.I left to make a life for myself in London.We wrote letters.They were opened by Mossad, the Israeli secret service.Each and every one of them.Several years later his grandmother paid for the family to spend two weeks in England.He wanted to surprise me.They arrived on September 6,I left on September 5 to visit my family.He married, had five children,the wife cheated on him,divorce followed,he re-married and had a little girl who at the age of five was still wetting herself.Then the family applied to emigrate to Australia.When the permission came he phoned me to say he wanted to see me to say good-bye.John Major was campaigning in the coming election at the time.My husband said - you must go, you must see him or you will never forgive yourself,or me.My love collected me from the airport and took me to a hotel.The suitcase was packed with presents for his six children.I was invited to his home for dinner.The wife was gracious.I never asked what he had told her about us.He took me to visit his mother,the father being dead by then, and from there the three of us went to his sister's house.My love wanted me to sit in the back seat so that he would see me in the mirror when driving.Throughout the journey he didn't take his eyes off of me.It was unbearable.When his mother and I were saying good-bye she embraced me and said - forgive me,Ludka.The pain in her eyes palpable.I forgave her. I told my love I could not stay in Haifa and would spend the remainder of my holiday in Sharm el Sheikh.He came to my hotel room.We lay on the top of the bed,holding on to each other.I cried, silently at first and then,then the river of Babylon crushed through the barrier. Every time I make love I see your face,very time,he whispered. You cannot leave me,not again. He held me so tight I thought he would crush me.My husband phoned in the evening to say John Major had won.Are you having a wonderful time? Yes,darling. Are you coming home soon? Yes,darling.The following morning I left for Sharm el Sheikh.My love and I have neither spoken,nor written to each other since. He had made a comfortable life for himself and his family in Sydney.How do I know? Last year I googled his name.He is on Facebook.His face the most handsome face I have ever seen,even now,so many years later.He taught me how to kiss,how to make love and how to love.And maybe most importantly how precious it is to BE loved. He made you the wonderful, wonderful woman that you are,my husband said to me once. My husband had never asked me what happened in Israel.

Five questions. 22/10/2016

You are encouraged to send to a prospective suitor five questions,there is a long list to chose from.And,of course, you get them,too.And I have had them. I have had them.In my profile I do not use the word SPORT voluntarily.It is there only if the dating site slips it in.I do not watch sport.I do not play sport.It is nothing to be proud of, I am the first to admit. I can't cycle, I can't swim.I can't even float. I sank in the Dead sea.In the Dead sea. Water thick with salt, an elephant would float. I sank. But here they are,a suitor after suitor asking me what kind of sport I prefer and five different sub clauses are offered for choice. Now, I am a patient woman. I am more than aware of my own shortcomings and imperfections. But what man worth his salt would question me on sport when not once do I mention it in my countless replies in my profile.My interest in it is zero, zilch, nada. So what idiot would ask me if I am a team player or a solitary wolf. Ignacio did. Yes,that is his name.Do I prefer running, tennis, volleyball or chess? Is chess sport? To me it is a mental activity and I wouldn't play with you, you ignoramus. I used to reply graciously,with humour,but now I add a remark or two and thankfully I never hear from the sender again. I am a teetotaller.I used to be a die-hard teetotaller until I started cruising. When on a ship on formal nights I would have the odd Sex on the beach [ the cocktail!......Sex? I wish.] or a glass of red wine having been told countless times by my GP that a glass or two of red wine two or three evenings a week is the best way to keep the heart and the arteries happy.I try to drink it. I even buy the odd bottle. Then it takes me a month to finish.But here they are asking me how I like to spend evenings - in a discotheque,in a pub or knees up and booze up with friends and what alcohol I prefer! Well, I ask you. Yes, I do answer more comprehensively now and luckily there are only ten or so words I am allowed to use.

57 profiles and counting 21/10/2016

and almost just as many were posted under the "What if" category,these are men who did not quite match up profile wise but for one reason or another were considered MAYBES.These once discarded will never appear on the screen again.And yes, I have dismissed each and every one. Of all the hundred or so photographs there was only one face I liked - that of The Diplomat.The Builder? It is his heart that made an impression on me.Had he not approached me in six different ways,I would have dismissed him as I had dismissed every-one else.I have never liked tall dark and handsome men. I have always liked men kind, clever,successful. I must respect a man,admire him. My husband used to laugh that I liked the "monkey faces" - like Walter Matthau,whom to me was the most handsome man on screen,or Jean Paul Belmondo,the French heart-breaker. Clooney? Amal,you never have to fear me! So The Diplomat had passed my WOULD I test and I completely failed his. Isn't life strange, the way things turn out. It is 7 in the morning and I would love some croissants and coffee.On a ship they would be just a whisker away. Aaah,the ship. How I long to be on one now. But as I will be going to my brother-in-law's birthday celebration soon all other travelling plans must wait,especially as,before I leave London, I would like a reply from the tax office letting me know if my tax return has been accepted as was,or not. Should they require additional information I would get 28 days to comply. This is a priority before any other.

The free three day VIP dating membership has been extended to three months. 20/10/2016

I have done so,because the quality of members details of which are daily posted to me,is unbelievable.I truly have not expected that. Businessmen,bankers, teachers,architects,white,blue collar workers,every-one hoping to find a life long partner.There is so much loneliness in the world. How do we cope alone? We have to. We either live or we die.

The best way to get over a man is to get under a man. 20/10/2016

said someone somewhere and having looked it up on the internet,cannot trace the origins. Well, if ever I wanted to try this remedy,the best man to get under would be The Doctor.A bit chunky,a wicked smile,unshaven.Sex,sex and more sex is his answer to most questions in his profile. Many women will like him. Not me. I like subtlety,wooing,lingering long smiles, gentle gestures,the odd touch promising heaven. Not the blatant" common look at me and let's roll "invitation. For me the nicest man is The Builder. Alone for 8 years, a widower,I feel,but have not yet asked. I think if there ever was a woman for him to fall in love with just from the photograph, I am that woman.No-one has reacted to it as he has.He likes my hair,my eyes,my smile, my face,my everything.He thinks,I am lovely,beautiful and something else I can't remember. And he loves absolutely everything about my profile, like after like after like to each and every entry,fifteen of them. He sent me five questions,my answers pleased him. I was surprised how comprehensively and frankly we all were assessed.They seemed to get me spot on.So if they got my personality so right,I presume they hit the nail on the head with the others,too. I need someone who has the means and the freedom to travel with me.My husband was ill for eight years.I looked after him without complaint.He passed away six and a half years ago. Finally somehow the pain has been stored away,not gone,just put under a lock and key.I still have commitments and responsibilities,but by next summer they will be gone and then I will have the freedom to travel,travel,travel. The builder wouldn't be able to do that. And I cannot go back to the way my life used to be.It took me so long to begin to live again.And now I am ready to spread my wings and fly and I so much want someone to fly with me. Would I be able to compromise? The Builder wants us to meet. The answer is a firm NO. I want to exchange messages for several weeks first without any expectations.I want to consider how/if it would work should we meet and wanted it to progress. And if the answer is it would not work,then it is best not to meet.He seems a kind man,with heart full of love and longing and I wouldn't want to hurt him.

My plans to go 15 November to the Caribbean have been more or less abandoned. 20/10/2016

I had a call from my friend.Good,she said,you will have time to date. I joined an online dating agency in your name.The photo you like.What???? And she did.How is it going,you may ask. So far so bad,in fact pretty horrendous. Why? Well, one man hates me,one man loves me and there are so many others that I do not know where to start separating the chaff from the grain.And all that in the first twenty four hours.Twelve days later I have not had the time to go through every profile. I have accidentally pressed something requesting many men to send me their photo,had no idea I did it,until one after another at least 14 photographs appeared on the screen.I have been a widow now for six and a half years.I live alone.I have not been on a date since my husband passed away.Oh,I have been asked. Many times.And every time even if the nicest,the most eligible man asks me out, I have a million and one excuses why to say NO, never do I find a reason to say YES. Saturday 8th October was to be the day of rest, having worked all week on my taxes and various other accounts.And any-one who prepares their own tax return knows how important it is never to make a mistake, to check and double check everything. Two heads are always better than one, because if a mistake is made by one person,the other spots it easier. But as I am now alone I do everything by myself.So having had the most exhausting week, Saturday 8th October was to be the day of total relaxation, I read newspapers,did some washing,ironing and sat for a while with my lovely little Toshiba.And there all my troubles began.I had an e-mail,an offer from a dating agency pleading with me to take up three days free VIP dating.They have been writing to me for good two,three years and I would always decline and erase their e-mail as I erase all unsolicited-emails.But as I had already finished with the Telegraph and was half way through the Mail and the evening was long,I pressed YES.And with the speed of lightning I filled in answers to numerous questions abut my likes, dislikes,what I wanted in a man and some details about myself,of course.And suddenly there were countless details of men on the screen,some with photos, some without.And there was a SMILE. Now those of you who have taken advantage of this kind of dating know that the smile may be reciprocated or may not.I reciprocated. He was an ex diplomat,wanted to talk.I would have preferred to communicate by e-mails for a while but he wanted to talk so I phoned him.As we both speak Russian,I said zdravstvuj,jokingly [for those not in the know zdravstvuj means hello].He did not seem to appreciate my sense of humour.He was a math graduate and pre - diplomacy a uni lecturer,I said a 10 year old son of my nephew was considered to be a mathematical genius,the teacher hasn't even finished writing on the blackboard and Matt knows the answer.And sometimes he would correct the teacher when she makes a mistake,she,of course was not happy about a little boy showing her up in front of the whole classroom.The diplomat said - he is not well brought up.I said he is VERY well brought up.But she is the grown up,he is just a little boy, eager to learn and to please, his IQ up in the stratosphere and a gift like his should be nurtured and not be frowned upon.The diplomat said angrily something along the line of - I am not going to have you argue with me,I am the educator,not you - and put the phone down on me. Now who behaves like that?

Hello my little Toshiba friend, 13/10/2016

we haven't sat together for a while and I have missed you. So much has happened in the past weeks yet nothing has happened. Nothing major,ground breaking,that is. There is going to be another birthday celebration,this time it is my brother-in-law's, he will be 60 on the 4th November and the big party is the following day. I rang my sister on a kind of a fishing expedition to see if I could get an idea what present to get him. She mentioned her hubby,the nicest,kindest brother-in-law any-one could wish for, has been rather tired lately,working long hours, so I know what the best present will be - a week in a spa for him, for his appendage,my sister, and just to make sure they will have the time of their life there, I am trodding along,too! Well, you may think,that is a fine present that is, they would be better off alone. And you would be wrong. They are not in the first flush of youth, they are in the comfortable with each other stage of life,so another person's presence will not be in the way. London is rather wet and getting cold now. There was a cruise I so much wanted to go on this coming Sunday ,Celebrity Eclipse,Canaries, 13 nights,but as I am travelling again for the birthday party soon,have thought better of it. Various paper work needs to be taken care of - taxes sorted out and posted, other accounts need to be seen to. And a million of little things that accumulate when one is so often away and keeps postponing. There is no urgency about anything,but sooner or later everything will have to be done and now is as good a time as any other.