Christmas Eve , 2015.

This is my second Christmas at sea.I love water.And I cannot swim.I know,I know,utter disgrace,have always wanted to learn,have even made an appointment to see an instructor, but had to cancel.There has never been the time.Years and years ago in Israel there was a boy willing to teach me, but I was having too much fun to take it seriously and he did not have the patience. Oh, the impatience of youth! We think we have so much time on our hands, you want to do this, that, and something else, and suddenly a lifetime has passed you by and you wonder where has it all gone.Why isn't there more time? I have so many plans still for today and tomorrow,everything I had no time for yesterday.But tomorrow is a yesterday before you blink and you did so little again, yet you had your hands full from morning til night and if you had to account for every minute, even every hour,you just could not do it, you cannot remember one single thing you did, but the evening comes and you are so tired and often so satisfied with the day you remember nothing of. Where does the time go? So much of it seems wasted,you feel you have never learnt anything,yet somehow you feel wiser as you grow older, never quite old enough, never quite wise enough.Long time ago I was at a high school reunion. We were asked to say what we had learnt,one thing, the most important thing we had learnt since leaving school.I said - when you are young, everything seems to be the end of the world, when you grow older you realize, that nothing is. Have I learnt anything new since the reunion? Yes,I have. It is that with a blink of an eye your life changes when you expect it the least,that now,today is what matters, that the precious present time is not in abundance. That you must make the most of what you have and that nothing is easier said than that. Because doing what you so often know to do you must,is so very hard.The past will not let you move on.The memories of all the rights and all the wrongs you had done will not let their grip and you are on a journey of learning to forgive yourself, but it is the most difficult journey you will ever undertake and it is a journey without an end.And day after day you are drowning in grief,in pain,in sorrow,you wish you did so many things differently,you wish you did not wake up on December 28, 2010 to a stillness and peace you did not hear for two long years,you wish you realized sooner, that the peace and quiet were unnatural,you wish...You wish you could forget even for a moment...