Friday 27 November 2015

I love the Library on the Queen Elizabeth.The position is excellent even though the upper windows are obstructed.It is on the lower floor,that the magic happens-out of the large windows you see the waves frolicking in the distance, that's where they seem the most enchanting, blueish in colour,the further away they are, the paler they become, until they dissolve into a silver glittering mass disappearing into the distance.The nearest waves to the ship are the darkest.I am feeling utterly spoilt.Could this get any better?And then an old crow plonks herself on a seat next to me and starts pitching into her poor old appendage, left standing in embarrassment,and the magic is gone.Why do we do it to each other?Chip away at the pride, the dignity,with relentless ferocity.The never ending put downs, the moans and the groans,incessant ridiculing.Why does one person do it and the other person takes it?Is it because the love had died and only the fear of being alone had remained?Yet there cannot be greater loneliness than that in an empty marriage.And then the same evening in the theatre I hear an old man say-common, blossom,let's have you.I see a voluminous shapeless red pleated skirt float by.I take a lift to Lido.The red skirt is in front of me.I look at the face above the skirt.The blossom is blooming.She smiles at me.Sweet,round face covered in wrinkles.A face loved,a face adored.As I once was.Now I live alone.A widow.One of so many once blooming flowers, now withering away,each one of us dying a slow death.In September I went to the Med on Azura,Two or so days before the end of what turned out to be one of the loveliest cruises I had been on, in spite of my initial misgivings, I was seated at dinner next to a very pleasant looking couple.It was a formal night, every-one relaxed and lovely in their best clothes,as was I, feeling wonderful in heels from Livorno and a new silk top paired with cropped trousers.As always, when I sit down at a table, I smiled at my neighbours and said good-evening.This is often not reciprocated,but this time I was lucky.They smiled back.I liked them both instantly.We exchanged pleasantries,the waiter took an order.From the moment I sat down I was aware of the man looking at me constantly.True, I looked good, I felt a million dollars,but he was dining with a woman, so why is he not taking his eyes off of me?I liked him instantly.Tall, well built,kind handsome face,a ready smile, quick wit, a voice nice to listen to. What was there not to like.His plump companion with freshly coiffeured hair and once beautiful face, was smiling constantly ,showering me with countless questions.He just sat there listening.They must be a brother and a sister,how else can he be dining with a woman and be so very obviously taken by another? That's it, that's what it must be.Then she said-we met on Azura four years ago,we do not live together,we live 200 miles apart,but we go together on cruises.I have five grandchildren,he has nine.I looked at him and smiled.He smiled back.I could tell from her voice she was very fond of him.I liked him very much.Often I am asked out and I never say yes.I always find million excuses why I say no, never a good reason to say yes.For almost six years I have not been kissed by a man, not even touched by a man.His eyes were pleading.But she was nice, smiling, pleasant,the salt of the earth, and I just could not do it.I just could not do it to her.When after almost two hours we parted and shook hands,she left first,giving me a wave,he took my hand in both of his,his eyes not leaving my face,we held a gaze and he knew and understood.His fingers gently caressed mine and then he was gone.My husband always said I was the only human being he had ever totally trusted. He always said I was too honourable for my own good. How I sometimes wish I did not always need to do the right thing.